spring cleaning

why is it that the second you're down, everyone around you seems to be up? i hate that i can't be happy for all my friends coupling up, because once again i've been dumped.

that wouldn't be the worst thing, except for what happened next. being dumped is merely stage 1. of course, there's pain involved with this preliminary step. for me, the pain comes when i hear something akin to, "you're great. i really, really like you." yeah. you like me so much you're dumping me. thanks. 

but i digress. stage 2 is what i like to call "the good luck chuck" step. because despite hearing "i just don't want a relationship right now" the next person who my dumper dates inevitably is someone he intends on being far more serious with. and that's what else happened this week. someone who dumped me last year is now sooooooooo fucking happy with someone else. so it's not so much "i just don't want a relationship," it's really, "i don't want a relationship with you."

blech. i hate being pissed off about this. i'm sure it only adds to my attractiveness factor. but it's 430 am, and i can't sleep, and i'm bitter and cynical, and i feel like i've been rejected all over again. this pisses me off. 

i don't know what it is about me that makes me so hard to be around, at least for the long haul (meaning one month+). everyone tries to make me feel better by saying "it isn't you," but when "you" is the only common denominator, eventually you have to figure... it's fucking you. i'm like a force field for love... it comes close and then is bounced off at lightning speed. it's hard not to feel sorry for myself. 

i want to take this entry and tie it up in a neat bow, come to some grand conclusion, or at least make a fucking point. but i don't know where this goes. i'm stuck on repeat. there is no point. the worst part is, someone else will eventually come along. and i'm going to convince myself this time it's gonna be different. and then, at 430 in the fucking morning, i'll probably lie awake stewing because it happened yet again...

a makeover.

this month, i've decided to give myself a total makeover. i won't lie; this is partially due to the fact that i've been watching "tim gunn's guide to style." as cheesy as that may sound, it made me think about a couple things.

1. over the past few years, i've been gaining weight. and while i'm working to remedy that situation, i still need clothes that accentuate the strengths of my silhouette and hide the flaws... at least better than i am doing right now. so i need to look harder for clothes with the right fit, even if that means buying sizes that i'm in denial about wearing, and visiting the tailor more than i'd like. [ even though she's the cutest woman and i love her, and actually sort of look forward to seeing her... ok, maybe the tailor isn't such a bad thing ]

2. while all that is going on, however, there is no need for me to look like a sloth. sure, i still have a HUGE respect for a cool t-shirt collection, and i don't think i'll be casting off my flip-flop fetish entirely. but it is time for me to start looking and dressing like a grown-up. what's funny is i used to do this every day. but i think because of the way i was doing it, ie, clothes and shoes that didn't fit properly, i associated fashion and dressing well with both pain and poverty... since the only reason i was dressing that way was because i was working my ass off in a women's clothing store. so not only am i trying to find clothes that work in the adult world, i'm also trying to find clothes that i know i'll be able to breathe, walk, and work in, so i'm not sucking in all day, or rubbing my tootsies, or unbuttoning top buttons, or hoping my shirt doesn't pop open. unbelievably, this was a complete revelation.

3. it's time to clean out my closet. it was a complete disaster in there. i'm about 80% done, and i already feel better. next is completely cleaning the bathroom and organizing my bedroom in a way that makes sense. i feel like bringing a sense of order to my home is going to help my mental state immensely.

4. all the fashion thoughts got me on a trail of looking at my body. i NEED to do more for myself. so i'm trying to eat better, and i've been going to the gym more this week, and hopefully will continue to do so. i even scheduled a long overdue trip to the gyno for an annual exam. i'm just trying to take better care of myself in general. i owe it to myself. no one else is going to do it. [ ...and i need to lose 10 lbs:) ]

5. on the line of taking care of myself, i need to stop pulling teeth when it comes to my love life. no more accepting less than i deserve. i made a promise to myself a while ago that i didnt' keep too well, but now i realize i absolutely need to. my best friend's wedding is next may, and i am the maid of honor. i feel like in the next 7 months, anyone who i even potentially look at, i need to ask, is this the kind of person that is going to be crazy enough about me that he'll fly across the country to go to this very important wedding with me? if not, fuck him! i don't have time to fuck around and act like i don't want a serious, meaningful relationship. i do. and anything that doesnt' head in that direction is no longer worth my time.

6. and speaking of mental state, i think i finally figured out what how i'm going to move forward in my whole job/identity crisis. after much pondering... i'm talking YEARS of it... i think the most sound thing to do is to stay with my career in advertising but write more on the side. take up projects that i have complete control over. i've already done 2, and they felt great. now it's time to do more, more, more.

i'm hoping this better clothed, more healthy, and more mental health-aware me will start some good life momentum. whether that means a new job, a new guy, or just a better feeling getting up in the morning, i think this is probably the most worthwhile project i can undertake. it's taken me some time to care enough to do something about myself, but it feels really good taking it on.

people i don't trust.

last night i hung out with some of priscilla's friends, and i learned that none of them liked the decemberists. this is actually an understatement; one of them went so far as to say she "can't stand the decemberists." i was kind of taken aback. granted, these kids are younger than we are, and while i didn't ask, i assume they listen to craptastic bands like my chemical romance and fountains of wayne. the decemberists are a little more cerebral, experimental, and definitely not for everyone, but still, i found this discovery to be more than mildly disturbing. i realized that i immediately didn't trust anyone involved in this conversation, for the pure fact that they were trashing my favorite band. and it made me realize there are certain triggers that send up blazing red flags right away for me. triggers that immediately tell me, "i will never get past this hang-up, and therefore, our relationship will advance no further." i'm not sure this is entirely reasonable, but i can't deny it's true.

so, i don't trust people who don't at least appreciate the decemberists. ok, maybe they're not your bag, but admit that the instrumentation and the lyricism is something to behold. i mean, damn.

but there are others. i don't trust people who have no rhythm. being able to clap along to a song on counts 2 and/or 4, or 1 and/or 3, whichever is applicable [ even if you don't realize that's what you're doing ] seems to me a quality that is just plain HUMAN. if you don't have it, it's almost as if you're some kind of un-human, like a robot that wasn't programmed the right way. marc einhorn is the perfect example of this. not only could the boy not find the beat, he was in a time signature that has yet to be invented. it made absolutely no sense. and i distrusted him immediately.

i don't trust people who don't like dogs. furthermore, i don't trust people who dogs don't like. dogs know. they just know. they know you are not to be trusted.

i don't trust people who root against their home team. no one should. if you have a home team, and you purposely cheer on their rival, you and i will never fully understand one another. and i for one, will have no interest in understanding you. also, if you give me shit for liking a team that is not doing well, you have no understanding of what being a fan is. while i may or may not give you a chance at trust, odds are i count it as a strike. and usually one strike is all it takes.

i don't trust people who can't tell the difference between coke and pepsi. it's one thing to like pepsi, which all of you know i don't. at least you understand there is a fundamental [ and diametrically opposed ] difference. as stephen colbert would say, "pick a side, people, we're at war."

given this set of standards, i'm not sure how i function in general society. that's probably why i don't. but seriously, are these qualifiers completely unreasonable? am i the only one who thinks that they make utter and perfect sense?

perhaps i am doomed to a life of solitude, but i would rather live in my solitude than try to make sense of the above. these are things i will never understand. and i'd choose being alone than trying to solve these mysteries any day.