spring cleaning

why is it that the second you're down, everyone around you seems to be up? i hate that i can't be happy for all my friends coupling up, because once again i've been dumped.

that wouldn't be the worst thing, except for what happened next. being dumped is merely stage 1. of course, there's pain involved with this preliminary step. for me, the pain comes when i hear something akin to, "you're great. i really, really like you." yeah. you like me so much you're dumping me. thanks. 

but i digress. stage 2 is what i like to call "the good luck chuck" step. because despite hearing "i just don't want a relationship right now" the next person who my dumper dates inevitably is someone he intends on being far more serious with. and that's what else happened this week. someone who dumped me last year is now sooooooooo fucking happy with someone else. so it's not so much "i just don't want a relationship," it's really, "i don't want a relationship with you."

blech. i hate being pissed off about this. i'm sure it only adds to my attractiveness factor. but it's 430 am, and i can't sleep, and i'm bitter and cynical, and i feel like i've been rejected all over again. this pisses me off. 

i don't know what it is about me that makes me so hard to be around, at least for the long haul (meaning one month+). everyone tries to make me feel better by saying "it isn't you," but when "you" is the only common denominator, eventually you have to figure... it's fucking you. i'm like a force field for love... it comes close and then is bounced off at lightning speed. it's hard not to feel sorry for myself. 

i want to take this entry and tie it up in a neat bow, come to some grand conclusion, or at least make a fucking point. but i don't know where this goes. i'm stuck on repeat. there is no point. the worst part is, someone else will eventually come along. and i'm going to convince myself this time it's gonna be different. and then, at 430 in the fucking morning, i'll probably lie awake stewing because it happened yet again...

losing sleep

insomnia has been a mainstay in my life since my very young childhood. but over the past few years, the problem has virtually gone away. sure, there have been sporadic sleepless nights here and there, but the reasons were always evident and understandable.

the past couple nights, however, i've been losing sleep for increasingly stupid reasons. and it makes me mad. it makes me mad because i'm about to hop into bed, and i know it's just going to piss me off.

so what's keeping me up? let's examine:

1. it is fucking cold in my room. i sleep directly under a window, which perhaps was not the brightest placement for a bed. however, i fucking live in california. why is this a problem?

2. my dog likes to nestle. which is so freaking cute. but while he's getting close to me, he also has a tendency to get me to scoot over... until i'm sleeping on like an inch of the bed. not usually a problem, except i think he's cold too... therefore, he's REALLY nestling and pushing in for heat.

3. my roommates and i are all worried that we're about to get kicked out. we have a "structural and appliance assessment" coming up on saturday, because we believe the landlord is looking to sell. super. awesome. higher rent or moving... both GREAT options.

4. i have way too much on my mind. and it seems like this week, it just keeps piling on. the thing is, with the exception of the whole apartment thing, it's mostly good stuff. but it's still overwhelming as hell. i'm juggling my job, my class, my next steps, my diet, and my travel plans... and now i'm getting all riled up because i'm sure i'm forgetting something. in other words, i'm a fucking basketcase.

5. 8:00 comes really early. really, really early.