a makeover.

this month, i've decided to give myself a total makeover. i won't lie; this is partially due to the fact that i've been watching "tim gunn's guide to style." as cheesy as that may sound, it made me think about a couple things.

1. over the past few years, i've been gaining weight. and while i'm working to remedy that situation, i still need clothes that accentuate the strengths of my silhouette and hide the flaws... at least better than i am doing right now. so i need to look harder for clothes with the right fit, even if that means buying sizes that i'm in denial about wearing, and visiting the tailor more than i'd like. [ even though she's the cutest woman and i love her, and actually sort of look forward to seeing her... ok, maybe the tailor isn't such a bad thing ]

2. while all that is going on, however, there is no need for me to look like a sloth. sure, i still have a HUGE respect for a cool t-shirt collection, and i don't think i'll be casting off my flip-flop fetish entirely. but it is time for me to start looking and dressing like a grown-up. what's funny is i used to do this every day. but i think because of the way i was doing it, ie, clothes and shoes that didn't fit properly, i associated fashion and dressing well with both pain and poverty... since the only reason i was dressing that way was because i was working my ass off in a women's clothing store. so not only am i trying to find clothes that work in the adult world, i'm also trying to find clothes that i know i'll be able to breathe, walk, and work in, so i'm not sucking in all day, or rubbing my tootsies, or unbuttoning top buttons, or hoping my shirt doesn't pop open. unbelievably, this was a complete revelation.

3. it's time to clean out my closet. it was a complete disaster in there. i'm about 80% done, and i already feel better. next is completely cleaning the bathroom and organizing my bedroom in a way that makes sense. i feel like bringing a sense of order to my home is going to help my mental state immensely.

4. all the fashion thoughts got me on a trail of looking at my body. i NEED to do more for myself. so i'm trying to eat better, and i've been going to the gym more this week, and hopefully will continue to do so. i even scheduled a long overdue trip to the gyno for an annual exam. i'm just trying to take better care of myself in general. i owe it to myself. no one else is going to do it. [ ...and i need to lose 10 lbs:) ]

5. on the line of taking care of myself, i need to stop pulling teeth when it comes to my love life. no more accepting less than i deserve. i made a promise to myself a while ago that i didnt' keep too well, but now i realize i absolutely need to. my best friend's wedding is next may, and i am the maid of honor. i feel like in the next 7 months, anyone who i even potentially look at, i need to ask, is this the kind of person that is going to be crazy enough about me that he'll fly across the country to go to this very important wedding with me? if not, fuck him! i don't have time to fuck around and act like i don't want a serious, meaningful relationship. i do. and anything that doesnt' head in that direction is no longer worth my time.

6. and speaking of mental state, i think i finally figured out what how i'm going to move forward in my whole job/identity crisis. after much pondering... i'm talking YEARS of it... i think the most sound thing to do is to stay with my career in advertising but write more on the side. take up projects that i have complete control over. i've already done 2, and they felt great. now it's time to do more, more, more.

i'm hoping this better clothed, more healthy, and more mental health-aware me will start some good life momentum. whether that means a new job, a new guy, or just a better feeling getting up in the morning, i think this is probably the most worthwhile project i can undertake. it's taken me some time to care enough to do something about myself, but it feels really good taking it on.